Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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