Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
