i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
