New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
When are your genitals available?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Randomize
