Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
