onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
