I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
