is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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