I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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