i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Someone shattered a urinal.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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