Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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