you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
