I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
