The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
As shirtless as possible
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
