my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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