my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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