Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize