I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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