I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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