I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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