I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
my poor anus
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
