On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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