I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
