Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
