I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
