An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
