im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
