Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
