I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize