Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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