So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
