If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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