I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
