p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
