Your face is a jimmy john
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
