So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
