I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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