I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
