I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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