Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Randomize
