I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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