Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
