And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
