I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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