Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
