my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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