You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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