i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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