guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
