Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
