i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
