At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
