You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
