you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You're a waste of cheezeits
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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