i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize