Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
