Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
