i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
