I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
