don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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