I can text with my tongue
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize