I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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