I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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